If you’ve ever found yourself saying “yes” when you wanted to say “no,” apologizing for things that aren’t your fault, or feeling responsible for how others feel – you’re not alone. These key themes of people pleasing are common for a lot of people, especially women.
People pleasing is a powerful coping strategy, but over time, it can erode your sense of self, drain your energy, and leave you feeling invisible in your own life. Doing things for others is natural, positive, and can feel really good. It becomes problematic when it is tied to harsh self-criticism, self-judgment, and goes to the extent of resulting in suffering and loss of vitality.
Understanding the patterns behind people pleasing is the first step toward reclaiming your voice, setting boundaries, and achieving better emotional well-being. Let’s dive into the key themes that often drive this cycle – and how you can start breaking free.
“I’m Not Good Enough” — The Root of Unworthiness
At the core of many people-pleasing behaviors lies a deep belief: “I’m not enough as I am.”
This sense of unworthiness often fuels a relentless need to earn love, approval, and validation through over-giving and over-performing. It can be a story that is woven into your sense of self and a story that is hard to break and rewrite, but it can be done.
When you believe you are fundamentally flawed, pleasing others can feel like the only path to acceptance. With the right tools and a compassionate approach to help raise your awareness, you can begin to feel more than worthy and plenty good enough.
Healing starts with recognizing that your worth is not conditional to your usefulness to others.
Rigid Rules — “I Have to!” or “I Must!”
People pleasers often live by rigid, unspoken rules like:
“I must meet everyone’s expectations”
“Saying no is selfish”
“My needs are less important”
“I have to do this or they will be upset with me”
These “rules” may have been internalized from family dynamics, cultural expectations, or early life experiences. While they once served a protective function, today they often limit your ability to advocate for yourself. Learning assertiveness skills and how to communicate your wants and needs (and give yourself permission to have them!) can help with reducing attachment to rigid, and sometimes unrealistic, rules and expectations.
Fear of Breaking the Rules — Anxiety and Guilt
The thought of disappointing others can trigger overwhelming feelings of guilt, anxiety, or even shame. This fear keeps many stuck in the cycle – continuing to prioritize others even at the expense of their own well-being.
But here’s the truth: experiencing guilt or anxiety doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It often means you’re doing something different – something that honors your growth – and it will taken time to get used to noticing that reaction without having it negatively impact your mood or modify your decisions.
Experiential Avoidance — Avoiding Discomfort at All Costs
When faced with uncomfortable emotions like guilt, fear, or shame, people pleasers often default to avoidance:
Saying “yes” to avoid conflict
Burying needs to prevent uncomfortable conversations
Dismissing personal feelings to keep the peace
While avoidance offers short-term relief, it leads to long-term exhaustion and disconnection from yourself. Learning to stay present with discomfort – and still act in alignment with your values – is a major step toward true freedom. Showing yourself compassion as you go through these difficult moments is helpful so that it can reduce the distress caused by handling yourself differently.
Discover more about “Mindful Self-Compassion” in this article from Positive Psychology.
Lack of Awareness of Personal Rights
Many people pleasers don’t even realize they have the right to:
Say no without feeling guilty
Change their minds
Express their feelings
Make mistakes
When you don’t know your rights, it’s easy to assume you must always “go along to get along.” Awareness of your inherent personal rights is essential to healthy, balanced relationships. Sometimes we have been taught ways to handle relationships and we need to change those patterns – boundary setting can help with this!
You can find a great resource on boundary setting on my resource page “The Helpful Hub” under Parenting & Relationships – Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
Lack of Assertiveness — Struggling to Speak Up
Even when people pleasers recognize their needs, expressing them can feel daunting. Assertiveness – the ability to communicate your needs with clarity and respect – is a skill that can be learned and practiced.
Assertiveness isn’t about being aggressive; it’s about valuing your needs equally alongside others’. And knowing that you do not owe an apology or an explanation for choosing what works best for you!
Simple phrases like:
“I’m not available for that”
“I need some time to think about it”
That doesn’t work for me”
…can become powerful tools for reclaiming your autonomy. It takes time and practice, so having someone to talk through this with, who understands the function of the behavior, and offers a safe space to process through the changes these types of things will bring to your life can be invaluable and life changing.
Breaking Free: Awareness is the First Step
If you see yourself in these patterns, know this:
You are not broken.
You developed people-pleasing behaviors for a reason – oftentimes to survive, to stay connected, to feel safe.
Now, you have the power to choose differently.
You can learn to honor your needs, build flexible thinking, and live in alignment with your true values. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but it starts with small acts of courage and a willingness to show up for yourself.
Ready to explore these themes more deeply?
Learn more about working with me through Living in Alignment or schedule a free consultation to discuss further through my online booking site. If any of these patterns feel familiar, you’re not alone and you don’t have to untangle them alone either.
I’d be honored to walk alongside you as you reconnect with your voice, your values, and your sense of self.
being a people pleaser is a dangerous game. to give everything to everyone will require you to give nothing to yourself. people pleasing will cost you your authenticity, your goals, and your integrity. if you want to be happy, you have to live your truth boldly and on your terms.
